I am ashamed to tell you this…..
Have you ever pretended everything was ok, in the hopes it would all just go away?
Denial is something that I experienced a lot as a result of suffering from multiple traumas and is a natural coping mechanism for many people I know, who don’t feel ready to face up to what is happening in their life right now.
We often go into a state of denial and as a form of protection. By living in denial we can try and carry on as ‘normal’ and pretend everything is ok. It stops us from having to relive that moment again and believe that what just happened has actually happened. The moment we admit something it becomes REAL.
In the aftermath of my abuse all I wanted to do was escape – run away and not face up to it, so I went travelling. I thought if I left the country and removed myself from where I live then I wouldn’t have to face up to it and could still me ME! I also threw myself into drinking a bit too much to help me sleep better, to forget things, to feel more confident and to just escape really.
Over the years I have seen a huge number of my clients do the same. Whether is it not facing up to a failed relationship, letting go of a loved one, overcoming abuse or even financial problems, they all buried their heads in the sand hoping it would go away and get sorted without them being involved.
Facing up to something like this is really scary and we try and put it off as for as long as we can in the hopes that that it will disappear and I’m really sorry but these things don’t disappear and I learnt the hard way because by burying my head in the sand and denying to myself the impact that everything had on me I was just punishing myself. On the outside I looked fine but internally it was a whole different story. I thought if I made such an effort to make myself look really presentable and happy it would distract everyone from realising I was crumbling on the inside.
This resulted in me being signed off with post-traumatic stress and signed off work for over a month because I’ve reached burn out and I needed to actually face up to everything once and for all.
When you go through trauma, whether it is something like abuse, redundancy, a traumatic childbirth, struggling to conceive or even messing up a presentation or interview, you go into a form of denial about the impact that has had on you. They can create new thoughts, new behaviours and new actions and lead you to go into a form of hibernation.
It is important to know this is ok, that denial is a normal reaction to something like this and to not punish yourself for doing it.
It is not until you face up to these things and admit to what’s going on that you can finally put it to rest and move forward. Part of the coaching I experienced when I was going through my transformation was that I actually had to face up to what had happened, recognise it wasn’t my fault and accept there was nothing I could do to change it. This enabled me to reclaim my power and to take back control over how I was going to handle it moving forward and create the life that I wanted to live and to feel proud.
By working with my coach I was finally able to release the crap and to let go of this denial once and for all. I allowed myself to feel the feelings I needed to feel and to cry like I have never cried before. I was able to take back the power and to release the hold it had, had on my life, my emotions and my decision.
This is what I love so much about coaching.
Coaching provides you with the tools you need to move your life forward and to remove the obstacles that are holding you back. It allows you to remove the hurt, anger, guilt, fear and of course the denial by sharing new tools, techniques and support to help to put new plans in place and to help you recognise that actually this doesn’t need to define you and doesn’t need to be your story anymore.
You gain back control when you commit to taking positive action to push past your fears and to make decisions based on your passions and dreams and NOT of your past.
Please don’t ever beat yourself up for being in denial, it’s a normal reaction and is there to protect us and make us feel better while we process everything, just don’t hold on to it for too long.
Love as Always
Emma xx